As I write this post, I am in the midst of procuring some final arrangements, such as paying bills and zeroing credit cards and shit, before we go on our annual family vacay. I must admit I am feeling a tad gun shy about the big road trip ahead of me...
How the fuck did I get 'duped' into taking on a 7000km trip to NorCal from Canada and then back again???
"You do know.. SF is only another 10 hour drive from Seattle..." So my wife tells me....
Needless to say, it should prove quite the spectacle driving 200mph down the Interstates, steering with my knee, furiously smashing my middle finger against my fucking iPhone screen, as I trade $AAPL earnings call like a coke-addled baboon, in a packed-to-the-fucking-hilt minivan with 3 "hellions", jacked on sugar and corndogs, waging mortal combat with each other, in the backseat.
It will be grand indeed, of the National Lampoon's Vacation garden variety of grandness, I'm sure.
As I sit in the dark staring with my mouth agape at the egregious amounts on my monthly bills, I must let out a chuckle upon seeing what a complete fucking debacle my YTD is on my paycheque stub.
Using the Lord's name in as much vain as humanly possible, I think my wife must lay awake at night, conjuring up the number of ways on how she can bankrupt me right-the-fuck-now; whether it be with her "extreme couponing" or scrapbooking or her other arcane spending "hobbies". I dare say we're about "this close" to being special guests to receive the prestigious 'Asshats of the Year Award' on the show
"Hoarders"
I'm often told how "lucky" I am for having no mortgage or personal debt by many of my peers.. Now what the fuck does "luck" have anything to do with it??
I'm cheap as fuck and try to save my coin like a Jew living in Chinatown on a deserted island. Does it sound like I've got horseshoes and unicorns up my ass??? Well fuck me running sideways in a room full of homophobic Pinterest users, would you believe according to the latest statistics, I fall into the top 3-4% income earners in Canada, without including stocks and shit! But like fuck if I can afford to take holidays every 2 months or buy a brand spanking new SUV every year like all you dicksuckers do...
For the love of small dogs with gay haircuts jumping through flaming hoops, tell me, just how do you fuckers do it???
"Oh but you've got stocks... why don't you spend some of that Apple money?" I'm often told...
Oh really?? What kind of fucked up shit are you lacing your cocaine with??? That's akin to taking equity out of your home to pay your bills.... oh waitasec....Nevermind.
Futs are green this morning from tech getting a hard-on.... giddy up.
