Good Times Here Again...

Four years ago today, Lehman Bros filed for bankruptcy protection...

For some of us, it was beginning of the end of the world as we watched in horror the stunning series of events that culminated thereafter as that moment changed the financial landscape of the entire world forever... Our portfolios, our pension plans, and our retirement futures were going to $00.00 and if you weren't already fucking dead, you wished you were...

For the rest of you dickless vagabonds living in homeless man tents eating beans and lard from a fucking can, it was just another Monday....you went to work, sucked dick for overtime, then carried on with your rakish lifestyle of checking and re-checking the Real Estate Weekly Guide to see if your home went up another 3 bucks in a week...

We've come a long way since the Lehman moment: The DOW is closing in on all time highs again and investors are feeling pretty fucking good about themselves.

This is the time of year when main stream media likes to take stock of things and reflect back and ask such fucktarded socio-economic populist questions: Are you better off now than you were four years ago?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

AAPL is at all time highs with everyone and their dog maxing out their Visas to smother their unwashed naked bodies with Apple products; Markets are Hershey-squirting the fuck higher, also teasing its all time highs and the Bearded Clam has got our backs, opening the cocaine spigots wide fucking open. As gentlemen, it is time once again to press our bets, spend money freely while publicly mocking the unemployed; in fact it is our duty...  no, our God-given right to explore with irrational exhuberance the hidden realms of unchecked hedonism and gaudy decadence in glorious times such as these.

A great many of you may feel otherwise; those of you self-proclaimed knights in shining armour, superhero types, hell-bent on saving the world from moral decay and degeneracy; spouting off about the implications of eternal QE and the dreadful impact fighting egregious debt with more debt may have on our future generations.

"QE has never directly translated into more jobs, only higher prices for energy and food!!" "QE only helps the rich, the poor get poorer and the middle class gets wiped out.."

Yeah yeah, go Disney your ass somewhere else, you just don't get it. I used to think this way too but a great wise man once asked me, Does a gentleman making $500,000 per annum living in a 5000 sqft home give two fucks about $20 a gallon gas or $300 tomatoes? "The well to do represent more than 70% of consumer spending. They don't give a shit about gasoline prices, like the rest of you plebs. If gas was $20.00 per gallon, they'd still build 45,000 square foot mansions in Palm Beach."

"Now, I want you to think of the alternative to QE, my fucked faced friend"

Austerity. Deflation. Asset price depreciation. So what's wrong with that? We could use some lower prices?

So if a loaf of bread dropped to, let's say, 5 cents.. Would that be cheap enough for your piker ass?? The thing is, when you don't have that 5 cents to your name, that loaf of bread might as well be stuffed in a diamond encrusted solid gold bottle of Chateau Lafitte 1787 wrapped in a Siberian Sable fur coat driving a Bugatti Veyron Supersport with Marilyn Monroe naked in the backseat playing with an iPhone 5...

In 1933, a 20oz loaf a bread was 5 cents. Millions of people around the world went hungry because they had no money for food and the food was being rationed...

Yeah. Isn't it time you joined in the greatest cocaine gorilla party ever too?? Long live the Bernank and his POMO forever machines!

Adventures in First Appearances...

Apologies to all you addicts that come here daily for some of my AAPL trading rants... for those of you that were looking for typical Friday pin and weekly opex action yesterday, this was an event week with the product announcement and QE3, all that OI shit goes out the window and I mostly sat on my hands watching the cocaine being thrown into industrial strength floor-drying fans; plus I was too tired to blog, staying up late doing my part in ensuring Apple sells out of iPhone 5's in its first hour...

Anyways, I went down to my local bank this morning, to order some more paper cheques and found it nearly impossible to even get the fucking time of day from them...

I know I probably could've done everything I needed to do via the standard teller, but I prefer to do ALL my in-person banking "concierge"-style with those people in ugly flannel suits and sit on their plush leather chairs drinking tea rather than stand in line at the fucking glass-windowed wickets like some degenerate riverboat gambler at the horse races...

When the 'financial specialist' finally got off the phone with her buddies and stopped chit-fucking-chatting with every one of her other co-workers that happened to walk by,  I told her I only needed the new cheques and to give her a couple of signatures for some extra paperwork already done online for my options trading accounts.

But jst as her banker training hypnosis dictates her to do so, she INSISTED we have a look-see at my accounts so she could possibly help me with my investments...

So, upon bringing up all my accounts onto her computer screen, I had to roll my fucking eyes as she literally shit herself... Yes, that is a comma, the decimal point is over there...

"Oh I'm sorry, I was busy checking my Facebook, what were those mutual funds you were trying to sell me again??"

Suddenly, progress on those cheques.

Followed up by some grand scale asskissing...


Moral of story: Just because I opt to dress like some punk-kid skateboarder vagabond that just crawled out of a homeless man tent, doesn't necessarily mean I need your financial advice... plus your mutual funds suck dick.

Have we not learned anything at all from "Pretty Woman"??

QE3 Is a GO... NOW WHAT????

QE3 is a go... and everyone is running amok with erect dicks in hand throwing fistfuls of cocaine into rapidy spinning ceiling fans... Except you, wet noodle flaccid and if not already de-testesed, not wanting to go "all in" in case the Clam and his POMO locomotive backs up over your corpse, are now sitting all cash waiting for lower prices... so how does one trade into this shit??

Well here's what happened the last time... hat tip to Jaymes @llabtoofootball for this chart:

The Only Problem With the iPhone 5 is....

So the event is finally been and gone, and now we can officially get to the blasting of midgets out of big circus cannons and little dogs with gay haircuts jumping through flaming hoops.

On Stocktwits, I see it has already begun... every fucktard is coming out of the woodwork claiming how disappointed they are the iPhone 5 wasn't as "revolutionary" as they conjured up in their thick fucking skulls, "it's not much of an upgrade.. my 3GS will do just fine"; "so glad I bought the Galaxy S3"; "it's bullshit that an elongated iPhone and new plug can justify $400"; "creativity was lost when Steve Jobs died", "Apple is finished".....

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!

Tell me how much difference there was between the Galaxy S2 and the Galaxy S3?? Oh wait, you didn't buy the S2... that's right, the Motorola Droid RAZR was the trendy "iPhone killer" barely 6 months ago and the HTC Inspire before that... the Blackberry Torch before that... no wonder every phone you buy seems soo "revolutionary" compared to the last one... Dude, did ya know driving a Chevette is really quite amazing when you're used to riding the fucking bus too?

Samsung Galaxy S2 VS Samsung Galaxy S3

And all you other asshats disappointed as all this was completely expected like all those leaked photos, you've seen before.. No surprises... FUCK YOU TOO.  Wouldn't you dicksuckers think you'd be disappointed in your wife on your honeymoon too after if you spent every waking moment of your pathetic little lives watching internet porn and talking to lesbians months upon months before the big occasion?? .... think about that a moment. Yeah. Surprise!

And those of you of the unwashed breed claiming the innovation is gone and it's "EXACTLY" the same phone... that's right IT IS. Remember the good ol' days when every single one of us LOVED it when we HAD to buy an entire new setup because Microsoft so happened to upgrade Windows? Even better when all your old software you spent egregious amounts of coin on like your year-old MS Office Suite would not work whatsoever on your new system... Because this is what we really want from Apple, right?? Oh give me a fucking Nokia Lumia...  Oh I'm sorry, it seems my sarcasm button is stuck on FUCK YOU again...

And what's with this new big screen TVs as phones trend?? If I wanted to carry around a fucking iPad and hold it up to my ear so I can talk on it like a cel phone, I would just get the iPad, no?... and what's with the Note?? That's innovation??? A fucking stylus? Fuck, I think I got a Newton in my attic...

Please.

If you have no financial interest in AAPL, long or short, spare me the justification why you made the fucktarded decision to buy something else. When they start making "Galaxy Killers", then I'll worry about Apple's demise...

The only problem I see thus far with the new iPhone 5?

Black OR White?



Good Morning.


Disclaimer: I am long like a motherfucker AAPL.

Ready to Roll the Dice on AAPL?

Happy iPhone 5 day Gentlemen.

It's all about AAPL today... you might as well shut down your twitter stream and news feed unless you are attempting to trade AAPL today like some degenerate OTB guy at the Fitz.. Going rumour is even the Clam will be basing his POMO decision on today's product announcement...




So what to do today?

The two dominant investment strategies out there today are fundamental analysis and technical analysis.

Fundamental Analysis is a method to determine the intrinsic value of a stock by looking at financial data and facts directly related to the company per se, such as earnings, sales, balance sheets, cash flow, income statements, and dividends. There are more than enough websites and information on the Internets that go into all that shit; you don't need me to regurgitate all that for you. What we do know is AAPL has stupid as fuck amounts of money and makes stupid as fuck amounts of money. And, regardless of what you think of the iPhone 5, AAPL will make stupid as fuck amounts of money on it. There you have it.. fundamentals.

Technical Analysis is a method of predicting future stock price movements via the use of charts showing past price and volume performance, patterns, and trends. Most technical traders use a series of indicators, oscillators, and signals to determine if the market is pricing that particular stock in question correctly at the time; and because of technical analysis' primary belief that markets are efficient, everything you need to know about the stock is already reflected in its price and price action. So looking at AAPL technically, this is how its price reacts to product announcements in the past:

 

Good luck with that fuckface.

Here's what we do know... technical analysis is based on one sole premise: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. So looking back, the iPod, iPad, iPhone 3G, and iPhone 4S have ALL been some of the greatest disappointments in AAPL's history on the announcement day and in the following days of its announcement. Well, we all know how those all worked out for Apple and its investors.

There is a third, much less known, but far more useful investment strategy:  Psychological analysis. Basically it is the study how humans respond to certain market events. You probably heard the cliche, "It's not the news that counts, but how the market reacts to the news"... This is what I'm talking about here. What I like about it is human psychology never changes: investors always feel fear and panic when shit is knifing down, and investors are rich and fucking geniuses when shit goes up.

And when it comes to AAPL, it is one of the most emotional investments I've ever run into, with exception to real estate. Like real estate, I have found, you're either a rabid Apple fanboy sporting wood on every uptick or a lowlife basher vying to get into AAPL at lower price or got a serious hate on for AAPL just to justify your asshat decision on a Sony Xperia purchase...

An interesting post @Redman59 wrote yesterday, looking at how emotional Apple investors get when someone, anyone in fact, writes anything negative about Apple. I have noticed a lot of writers and traders will do so just to mock Apple fanboys. If you looked at the AAPL steam on Stocktwits, you would have noticed how @traderflorida shorted AAPL during an entire $100 run up on AAPL share price. Whether or not he made money, only he knows, but if you read his tweets and watch his video clips, I personally think he does this intentionally, like some insecure beta male schoolboy desperately seeking attention and fame would, just to fuck with AAPL longs knowing full well how rabidly bent out of shape they can get when you bash their precious AAPL.

Anyways, getting back on topic, what do we know on a psychological analysis standpoint? The iPhone 5 was the last product Steve Jobs had ever worked on before he passed away. And there are literally millions upon milions of people, fanboy or not, that want and will buy the iPhone 5 right the fuck now and NOT ONE of of these people has EVER seen it yet. Think about that for a moment.

Place your bets, addicts.

Good Morning and good luck in all your trades.  

Disclaimer: I am stupid as fuck long AAPL.

Time For a Change...

Timestamp this bitches: After EXACTLY 15 months of devouring luncheon meats and throwing back sawdust flavoured protein shakes with psychopathic diligence and surgical precision like a ravenous barbarian, I am officially OFF the 4-Hour Body diet.

Final Stats: net loss 25lbs; max loss 40lbs falling short of intended goal of pre-wedding weight by 10lbs. Bench press: 315lbs for 8 reps; 2-rep max 355lbs. 3700 Followers on Twitter.

I will be endeavoring on the new Arnold-endorsed Carbo Back Loading (CBL) starting today.

From what I understand this diet is NOT for everyone: It was designed for juice monkeys throwing iron around of 70% or more of your max for typically an hour.  So if you are a newb, still using your sister's weights, or a fat-faced yoga troll, or one of those long distance runner types looking for that oh so sexy anemic crack ho with AIDS look, back-loading isn't for you.  And yes, this also includes you laying on your couch eating Doritos Jabba the fucking Hut types too--stick with the $300 a pop B12 shots at Dr. Bernstein's...

  I'm still learning the intricate details of this new fandangled diet but the gist of it is as follows: it is similar to the 4-Hour body, being it another low carb diet, except after the first 10 days, you splurge on a gluttonous "back-loading" diet of glazed donuts and highly glycemic dogshit, and then repeat "back-loading" on workout days and low-carb on days you don't train as you did for the first 10 days...   

Be forewarned, during the start of any new diet, it is advised to keep small children inside as my temper is like a lit stick of dynamite and it has been known that my arms tend to involuntarily punch random people in the fucking face and push unsuspecting bystanders into oncoming traffic.

And if you insist on loitering here, being the perverted voyeur that you are, and were expecting perhaps a friendlier demeanor now, a more humble and calmer experience reading my blogs and Facebook updates, please take this with the utmost sincerity and honesty when I say to you, "fuck right off already."  

Getting to stocks, I picked up 8-ball sized portions of DDD and FIVE at the bell yesterday. I see FIVE, despite beating the Street on its Q2 EPS after the bell yesterday, has my testicles in the vise this morning... But it is offset with glorious gains in DDD and V...  

Good Morning.      

It's The End of the World as We Know It...Again...

You would certainly think that following the AAPL stream on Stocktwits this afternoon... well relax, and get the fuck off the ledge.


Here are your Fibbonacci Retracement numbers, taking in account today's highs of $683.29:

23.6% Retracement Value $655.98

38.2% Retracement Value $639.08

50.0% Retracement Value $625.43

61.8% Retracement Value $611.77

Giving the options guys their due respect, AAPL is not trading anything out of the ordinary today... expected trading range is $655-$680 looking at the open interest volumes...


   Good

Luck in all your trades...

My Wife is Lex Luthor... with Coupons..

 

I spent the entire day yesterday pandering to the wife's every caprice, like I was her pet fucking monkey, driving "Mrs. Daisy" here and there, around the entire city, spending stupid as fuck amounts of cash on utter dogshit... "Now take me to Shoppers..."

Like I don't have better things to fucking do...I usually like to spend my weekends sharpening my African throwing spears, preparing myself for war on the next trading day and entertain myself belittling those unwashed vagrants, seeking attention and leaving vulgarities on my Facebook wall and inboxes on a daily basis...

But this was important to her. Of course I caved.. like the spineless knave that I am... Apparently she had just unlocked one of the universe's great mysteries, free chocolate. And not just any chocolate.. we're talking the good stuff here, the primo shit rich people on 400-foot yachts with heli-pads like to use for their hedonistic fondue parties..

You see, my wife is an extreme couponer. Yeah yeah. Laugh it up asshole... I know what you're thinking... ...borderline hoarder... What a bunch of asshats.. high income, high net worth and they have to coupon??

We heard all the stereotypes already, so fuck you.


 

Originally when the wife started this over a year ago, I figured this was the "perfect gig": another new hobby that keeps the wife busy, and as a bonus, I can reign in some of her arcane spending habits. She gets in her shopping "fix" without bankrupting me right the fuck now in one unchecked random shopping spree at the local mall....everybody wins.

 


Well, get this. Upon explaining this chocolate deal in detail to me, not only does she get the chocolate for free, the store gives her an extra $2 cash back in redemption points. Big fucking deal, right? That's chump change.. crumbs! Whooped dee fucking doo..

Let's put all this in perspective here. As a trader, we never look at what price a stock is; it's all about the percentages. Let's say you bought AAPL at $650 and sold it at Friday's close of $680 for a 5% return; AMZN sold at $260 when bought $230; the same $30 dollar value amount equates to a 13% return. That's double the return for less than half the capital risk exposure. This is about scale.

Getting back to the chocolate: For buying 4 chocolate bars for $8, she gets $10 back; that's a 125% return! This is akin to buying AAPL at $302 and selling it on Friday for $680!!! Only here, she managed to pull this off on a Sunday afternoon!! And this doesn't take into account the 20% discount she got in savings off the regular retail price of the chocolate bars... So really, this is more like perfectly timed dip buy at $302 from a regularly trading price of $377... In addition, if she waits for a certain time of year for a particular annual promotion near Christmas, she'll earn double that amount...well, fuck me running sideways with a TV up my ass, That's a 250% return!! So in AAPL terms, that's like selling it a couple months from now for $755!! The kicker? No capital gains tax either.

The more and more she lets me in on the details of some of her couponing escapades, it dawns on me how very similar it is to trading stocks. She belongs to several social networks to exchange ideas and strategies with other couponers; she studies as much as I do with stocks; plans out her monthly, weekly, and even daily gameplan before heading out to do her damage to the local grocery store...

Currently, and for the last 3 weeks, she has also found the next MSFT;  she's killing it with a 10-bagger times 5 deal on a coke-addled gorilla run for the ages, except this is iced tea and not stock.... And, the above said chocolate ordeal is nothing compared to this shit or what she has pulled off over the past year.. In fact, her return percentages easily, almost comically, horse rapes those numbers of degenerate Timothy Sykes penny stock guys ilk!

 

Not only am I married to a mathematical genius, my wife is Lex fucking Luthor.. with coupons. Now if only I can harness her superhuman powers in for the common good or stocks... I could retire right the fuck now.