Time to Place Your Bets...

Unless you've been lazing your fat ass under a fucking Microsoft Zune and do not know today is AAPL earnings day, lets get a few things straight, shall we?

Will the big fruit company meet Wall Street's ridiculous asshat expectations? I do not know. You don't either and neither do the fucking pros in checkered Republican pants, so relax.

What I do know is AAPL has been the easiest stock to OWN long term. And yes the markets fucking suck right now as does the economy and trading like a degenerate OTB guy has been trying as of late.

But even if Apple did not make a fucking penny the entire quarter; meaning Tim Cook was lying about those 5 million iPhone5's that sold in 3 days, and the 100 millionth iPad sold (16million for the Q), and added ZERO dollars to their already large as fuck coffers, and Verizon and AT&T are duping us all on the stupid as fuck amounts of iPhones they activated last Q, the share price would still trade at a PE of 17 at current prices--cheaper than GOOG or AMZN by leaps and bounds and any other stock you can find that grows their business 30% avg every quarter.

And even if you are a fucking schmoe with a big screen Samsung phone, hate Apple with animalistic violence, and think the ghost of Steve Jobs has ruined your life in every possible way because you so happen to be a 9-year-old Chinese factory worker with tiny hands building Nintendo Wii's 24/7 for bowls of rice, you must be an absolute fucktard to think not one fucking Apple nerd will buy any of that new shit Apple just released and Apple won't make fuckloads of cash from any of that shit.

So forget your gay little charts, stupid trend lines, and cock and balls formations, and put your crack pipe down for a second;  that shit does not apply here when gambling earnings call like some OTB guy at the horseraces;  here are the numbers you need to know today:

Apple guidance: $7.65EPS;

Expected: $8.83;

Whisper: $9.81...

Anything over $9 we hop back on the cocaine train to Heaven and then some, cutting shorts' dicks off along the way; anything under $8, we get punched in the fucking face with a sledge hammer dipped in HF acid and strange dog rabies...

My take? I'm riding into earnings call with retardo amounts of longs, 700-740 Feb bull call spreads and looking to dip buy some 600-640 Feb call spreads and 700-750 Jan14 Call spreads-- that's over 100% return if AAPL is $640 by Feb 2013 and over 200% if AAPL is above $750 by Jan 2014...my kind of odds. Hat tip to Apple guru Nick Nansen for all the dirty math on the above spreads...

Time to place your bets Gentlemen.

Good Morning.