I spent the entire day yesterday pandering to the wife's every caprice, like I was her pet fucking monkey, driving "Mrs. Daisy" here and there, around the entire city, spending stupid as fuck amounts of cash on utter dogshit... "Now take me to Shoppers..."
Like I don't have better things to fucking do...I usually like to spend my weekends sharpening my African throwing spears, preparing myself for war on the next trading day and entertain myself belittling those unwashed vagrants, seeking attention and leaving vulgarities on my Facebook wall and inboxes on a daily basis...
But this was important to her. Of course I caved.. like the spineless knave that I am... Apparently she had just unlocked one of the universe's great mysteries, free chocolate. And not just any chocolate.. we're talking the good stuff here, the primo shit rich people on 400-foot yachts with heli-pads like to use for their hedonistic fondue parties..
You see, my wife is an extreme couponer. Yeah yeah. Laugh it up asshole... I know what you're thinking... ...borderline hoarder... What a bunch of asshats.. high income, high net worth and they have to coupon??
We heard all the stereotypes already, so fuck you.
Originally when the wife started this over a year ago, I figured this was the "perfect gig": another new hobby that keeps the wife busy, and as a bonus, I can reign in some of her arcane spending habits. She gets in her shopping "fix" without bankrupting me right the fuck now in one unchecked random shopping spree at the local mall....everybody wins.
Well, get this. Upon explaining this chocolate deal in detail to me, not only does she get the chocolate for free, the store gives her an extra $2 cash back in redemption points. Big fucking deal, right? That's chump change.. crumbs! Whooped dee fucking doo..
Let's put all this in perspective here. As a trader, we never look at what price a stock is; it's all about the percentages. Let's say you bought AAPL at $650 and sold it at Friday's close of $680 for a 5% return; AMZN sold at $260 when bought $230; the same $30 dollar value amount equates to a 13% return. That's double the return for less than half the capital risk exposure. This is about scale.
Getting back to the chocolate: For buying 4 chocolate bars for $8, she gets $10 back; that's a 125% return! This is akin to buying AAPL at $302 and selling it on Friday for $680!!! Only here, she managed to pull this off on a Sunday afternoon!! And this doesn't take into account the 20% discount she got in savings off the regular retail price of the chocolate bars... So really, this is more like perfectly timed dip buy at $302 from a regularly trading price of $377... In addition, if she waits for a certain time of year for a particular annual promotion near Christmas, she'll earn double that amount...well, fuck me running sideways with a TV up my ass, That's a 250% return!! So in AAPL terms, that's like selling it a couple months from now for $755!! The kicker? No capital gains tax either.
The more and more she lets me in on the details of some of her couponing escapades, it dawns on me how very similar it is to trading stocks. She belongs to several social networks to exchange ideas and strategies with other couponers; she studies as much as I do with stocks; plans out her monthly, weekly, and even daily gameplan before heading out to do her damage to the local grocery store...
Currently, and for the last 3 weeks, she has also found the next MSFT; she's killing it with a 10-bagger times 5 deal on a coke-addled gorilla run for the ages, except this is iced tea and not stock.... And, the above said chocolate ordeal is nothing compared to this shit or what she has pulled off over the past year.. In fact, her return percentages easily, almost comically, horse rapes those numbers of degenerate Timothy Sykes penny stock guys ilk!
Not only am I married to a mathematical genius, my wife is Lex fucking Luthor.. with coupons. Now if only I can harness her superhuman powers in for the common good or stocks... I could retire right the fuck now.