Don't Bother About Upgrading To the iPhone 5...

My 5 is on the truck for delivery since 4:32AM this morning...

And from all the complaints from everyone I know who has never owned an iPhone, online and off, I guess I made a HUGE mistake. It's not worth the upgrade from what I'm told.

I, for one, am quite disappointed I will be missing out on seeing how many fanboys that have been waiting in line for an iPhone 5 since Monday suddenly get up out of line and run to a fucking Samsung store to buy their Galaxy S3 because they so happen see a couple of people smash their ridiculously large as fuck Samsung screens together, then take pictures with it after...ooooh.





BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE!!!

That's how easily fanboys, who've been sucking Apple dick since the Mac toaster days, change their fucking minds... "Oh no, some old hipster Boomers with BMWs and big houses and money just cut in line, time to buy a Samsung... we're not cool anymore..".

When was the last time you saw two people within 10ft of each other with Samsung phones?? Nevermind the SAME phone and tapping them together??? ALL THE TIME.  Did Apple not get the memo "the next big thing is already here"..???. I mean tapping phones together hasn't been this big since Crackberry vagabonds were doing it 2 years ago...

And these "Maps" complaints? Totally valid. Fuck those Apple bastards! Do they not know that is why we buy smartphones in the first place?? For the GPS!! And I expect pinpoint accuracy for every fucking urinal in every city around the world from ALL my GPS's...And, even if Google had no intention to upgrade their maps on the iPhone EVER, I expect all this and more from Apple... how dare they change the Maps App?

Yes, I do admit I'll miss the novelty of Streetview too. You never know when you're gonna feel the need to see what your house looked like 2 years ago or what your neighbour's dog taking a shit in front of your house looks like when the Google van drove by...

Why I will miss Streetview...

And those of you who feel the new iPhone just "isn't revolutionary" enough to upgrade, I understand. Your StarTac served you well for years, there's absolutely no reason your iPhone 3G won't do just fine as well; it IS "the same phone, same content, and same operating system..."

Don't you KNOW it's a fucking conspiracy-- those computer geeks are taking over the world and they are trying to control us... How dare they make us CHANGE OUR CABLES when we switched from CRT monitors to flatscreen LCDs!!!  . Totally understandable why everyone is soo pissed about the new adapter.  Well, fuck them Apple dicksuckers and their new cables-- our pentium machines running Windows 3.1 runs just fine and dandy for what we need to do with them even after we dropped them in water; we're smarter than them and never will we be assimilated into the Matrix...

You see, we are quite content with that big ass tube TV in a wooden box in our basements and our 1982 K-Cars... You see, when we went from Black & White TVs to colour and from horse & buggy to gasoline engines, now THAT WAS REVOLUTIONARY!!! Everything else since then has only been small tweaks...and not revolutionary at all. Fuck you Apple and your upgrade cycle.  "Innovation at Apple died with Steve Jobs"... WE WANT SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT... perhaps a flip phone with a dinky keyboard??  Or a stylus!! Like the Note!! Apple has always been known to get rid of shit everybody wants.. look what they did to the Newton!!

The Next "Big Thing"

Damn. My sarcasm button on my keyboard is stuck on FUCK YOU again... Is it obvious?

And something extra... because buying a Samsung was EXACTLY the same....



Monthly OPEX today. It will be interesting to see MM's try to keep this under the 700 roll when there are no sellers...

Good Morning. Good Luck in all your trades.

So Why Did I Buy the iPhone 5?

Recent press releases from AT& T and Apple says they are selling stupid as fuck amounts of the new iPhone 5 in the past few days.. Luckily I got my pre-order within the first hour.. So why am I getting the 5? Especially since I upgraded to the 4S barely 11 months ago?

Sure.. the new iPhone will have 4G LTE speeds, a bigger screen, more memory, etc. etc. You don't need me to give you all the specs... Google it.

I'm don't really see myself as a fanboy, more of a fan-old fucker nowadays but I do still enjoy my nerdy tech gadgets.. but that's not it.

And I quit trying to impress my peers eons ago... plus they're all still into their granite countertops and stainless steel appliances up here in Canada anyways.. so that's not it either...

I was parked outside the supermarket the other day while the wife ran inside to pick up a few things. Not 10 seconds after I park, some dirty old street person walks up to my car and taps on my window to ask me if I had any spare change so he can catch a bus. I roll down the window partially to tell him "Sorry pal, no change, now get the fuck away from my window..."

He then walks away from my vehicle to meet up with another street person working the other side of the parking lot; the other guy must've been a colleague by the way he was pushing the shopping carts full of bottles and garbage bags... I kept a watchful eye on them for a bit as I've heard in the news some of these vagabonds may vandalize your car or get violent sometimes when they don't get any spare change...

Much to my surprise, both reach into their overcoats and pull out cel phones and start texting like a couple of crazy teenagers with Crackberries... Not only did they have cel phones, they were both using iPhone 4's; I can tell not only by the recognizable Otterbox they had protecting them but because that's the kind of psychopath that I am...

Being an AAPL shareholder, I was quite elated that they had iPhones but like fuck if some dirty motherfucking vagrant clad in a burlap sack begging for fucking bus fare is gonna have a nicer phone than me!!!

Nevermind trying to keep up with the fucking Joneses, it's all about staying ahead of the dirty vagabonds these days...

Disclaimer: Got the black/slate 64GB iPhone 5... should be here Friday..and lineups are for suckers. And vagabonds.

Vagabonds in line for the new iPhone 5...

   

In all honesty, I could use a 10% pullback in AAPL here... that way I can go from stupid as fuck long to retarded as fuck longer...

Good Luck in all your trades.

A Message to Our Fans and Partners From the Edmonton Oilers...

"A message to our fans and partners:

As you are most likely aware, the Collective Bargaining Agreement between the National Hockey League and the National Hockey League Players Association expired this past Saturday, September 15. Since the two parties were unable to reach a new agreement by that date, a work stoppage is now in effect. We remain hopeful a new CBA will be reached in the near future and the 2012-13 NHL season will commence with minimal interruption.

We assure you our thoughts are mainly about you during these troubled times. Oilers fans have carried our team to greatness many times in the past and you can be assured that we spend every day working on plans to repeat those achievements for you, as soon as possible. In the meantime, while this dispute is unsolved, we thank you for your patience and your loyalty.

Patrick LaForge

President & COO

Edmonton Oilers"

FUCK YOU PAT. If you and your huckster cronies gave even the slightest inkling of a thought about "the fans" at any time throughout this entire this bullshit money struggle, we would have hockey right now, no?

Not gonna lie to you, I am embarrassed to be an NHL fan today. Not as a hockey fan, but as an NHL fan. Again, fuck you.

Sincerely yours,
Heisenberg.

PS. Fuck you Pat. Just because I doubt you got the memo on the first two.

Good Times Here Again...

Four years ago today, Lehman Bros filed for bankruptcy protection...

For some of us, it was beginning of the end of the world as we watched in horror the stunning series of events that culminated thereafter as that moment changed the financial landscape of the entire world forever... Our portfolios, our pension plans, and our retirement futures were going to $00.00 and if you weren't already fucking dead, you wished you were...

For the rest of you dickless vagabonds living in homeless man tents eating beans and lard from a fucking can, it was just another Monday....you went to work, sucked dick for overtime, then carried on with your rakish lifestyle of checking and re-checking the Real Estate Weekly Guide to see if your home went up another 3 bucks in a week...

We've come a long way since the Lehman moment: The DOW is closing in on all time highs again and investors are feeling pretty fucking good about themselves.

This is the time of year when main stream media likes to take stock of things and reflect back and ask such fucktarded socio-economic populist questions: Are you better off now than you were four years ago?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

AAPL is at all time highs with everyone and their dog maxing out their Visas to smother their unwashed naked bodies with Apple products; Markets are Hershey-squirting the fuck higher, also teasing its all time highs and the Bearded Clam has got our backs, opening the cocaine spigots wide fucking open. As gentlemen, it is time once again to press our bets, spend money freely while publicly mocking the unemployed; in fact it is our duty...  no, our God-given right to explore with irrational exhuberance the hidden realms of unchecked hedonism and gaudy decadence in glorious times such as these.

A great many of you may feel otherwise; those of you self-proclaimed knights in shining armour, superhero types, hell-bent on saving the world from moral decay and degeneracy; spouting off about the implications of eternal QE and the dreadful impact fighting egregious debt with more debt may have on our future generations.

"QE has never directly translated into more jobs, only higher prices for energy and food!!" "QE only helps the rich, the poor get poorer and the middle class gets wiped out.."

Yeah yeah, go Disney your ass somewhere else, you just don't get it. I used to think this way too but a great wise man once asked me, Does a gentleman making $500,000 per annum living in a 5000 sqft home give two fucks about $20 a gallon gas or $300 tomatoes? "The well to do represent more than 70% of consumer spending. They don't give a shit about gasoline prices, like the rest of you plebs. If gas was $20.00 per gallon, they'd still build 45,000 square foot mansions in Palm Beach."

"Now, I want you to think of the alternative to QE, my fucked faced friend"

Austerity. Deflation. Asset price depreciation. So what's wrong with that? We could use some lower prices?

So if a loaf of bread dropped to, let's say, 5 cents.. Would that be cheap enough for your piker ass?? The thing is, when you don't have that 5 cents to your name, that loaf of bread might as well be stuffed in a diamond encrusted solid gold bottle of Chateau Lafitte 1787 wrapped in a Siberian Sable fur coat driving a Bugatti Veyron Supersport with Marilyn Monroe naked in the backseat playing with an iPhone 5...

In 1933, a 20oz loaf a bread was 5 cents. Millions of people around the world went hungry because they had no money for food and the food was being rationed...

Yeah. Isn't it time you joined in the greatest cocaine gorilla party ever too?? Long live the Bernank and his POMO forever machines!

Adventures in First Appearances...

Apologies to all you addicts that come here daily for some of my AAPL trading rants... for those of you that were looking for typical Friday pin and weekly opex action yesterday, this was an event week with the product announcement and QE3, all that OI shit goes out the window and I mostly sat on my hands watching the cocaine being thrown into industrial strength floor-drying fans; plus I was too tired to blog, staying up late doing my part in ensuring Apple sells out of iPhone 5's in its first hour...

Anyways, I went down to my local bank this morning, to order some more paper cheques and found it nearly impossible to even get the fucking time of day from them...

I know I probably could've done everything I needed to do via the standard teller, but I prefer to do ALL my in-person banking "concierge"-style with those people in ugly flannel suits and sit on their plush leather chairs drinking tea rather than stand in line at the fucking glass-windowed wickets like some degenerate riverboat gambler at the horse races...

When the 'financial specialist' finally got off the phone with her buddies and stopped chit-fucking-chatting with every one of her other co-workers that happened to walk by,  I told her I only needed the new cheques and to give her a couple of signatures for some extra paperwork already done online for my options trading accounts.

But jst as her banker training hypnosis dictates her to do so, she INSISTED we have a look-see at my accounts so she could possibly help me with my investments...

So, upon bringing up all my accounts onto her computer screen, I had to roll my fucking eyes as she literally shit herself... Yes, that is a comma, the decimal point is over there...

"Oh I'm sorry, I was busy checking my Facebook, what were those mutual funds you were trying to sell me again??"

Suddenly, progress on those cheques.

Followed up by some grand scale asskissing...


Moral of story: Just because I opt to dress like some punk-kid skateboarder vagabond that just crawled out of a homeless man tent, doesn't necessarily mean I need your financial advice... plus your mutual funds suck dick.

Have we not learned anything at all from "Pretty Woman"??

QE3 Is a GO... NOW WHAT????

QE3 is a go... and everyone is running amok with erect dicks in hand throwing fistfuls of cocaine into rapidy spinning ceiling fans... Except you, wet noodle flaccid and if not already de-testesed, not wanting to go "all in" in case the Clam and his POMO locomotive backs up over your corpse, are now sitting all cash waiting for lower prices... so how does one trade into this shit??

Well here's what happened the last time... hat tip to Jaymes @llabtoofootball for this chart:

The Only Problem With the iPhone 5 is....

So the event is finally been and gone, and now we can officially get to the blasting of midgets out of big circus cannons and little dogs with gay haircuts jumping through flaming hoops.

On Stocktwits, I see it has already begun... every fucktard is coming out of the woodwork claiming how disappointed they are the iPhone 5 wasn't as "revolutionary" as they conjured up in their thick fucking skulls, "it's not much of an upgrade.. my 3GS will do just fine"; "so glad I bought the Galaxy S3"; "it's bullshit that an elongated iPhone and new plug can justify $400"; "creativity was lost when Steve Jobs died", "Apple is finished".....

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!

Tell me how much difference there was between the Galaxy S2 and the Galaxy S3?? Oh wait, you didn't buy the S2... that's right, the Motorola Droid RAZR was the trendy "iPhone killer" barely 6 months ago and the HTC Inspire before that... the Blackberry Torch before that... no wonder every phone you buy seems soo "revolutionary" compared to the last one... Dude, did ya know driving a Chevette is really quite amazing when you're used to riding the fucking bus too?

Samsung Galaxy S2 VS Samsung Galaxy S3

And all you other asshats disappointed as all this was completely expected like all those leaked photos, you've seen before.. No surprises... FUCK YOU TOO.  Wouldn't you dicksuckers think you'd be disappointed in your wife on your honeymoon too after if you spent every waking moment of your pathetic little lives watching internet porn and talking to lesbians months upon months before the big occasion?? .... think about that a moment. Yeah. Surprise!

And those of you of the unwashed breed claiming the innovation is gone and it's "EXACTLY" the same phone... that's right IT IS. Remember the good ol' days when every single one of us LOVED it when we HAD to buy an entire new setup because Microsoft so happened to upgrade Windows? Even better when all your old software you spent egregious amounts of coin on like your year-old MS Office Suite would not work whatsoever on your new system... Because this is what we really want from Apple, right?? Oh give me a fucking Nokia Lumia...  Oh I'm sorry, it seems my sarcasm button is stuck on FUCK YOU again...

And what's with this new big screen TVs as phones trend?? If I wanted to carry around a fucking iPad and hold it up to my ear so I can talk on it like a cel phone, I would just get the iPad, no?... and what's with the Note?? That's innovation??? A fucking stylus? Fuck, I think I got a Newton in my attic...

Please.

If you have no financial interest in AAPL, long or short, spare me the justification why you made the fucktarded decision to buy something else. When they start making "Galaxy Killers", then I'll worry about Apple's demise...

The only problem I see thus far with the new iPhone 5?

Black OR White?



Good Morning.


Disclaimer: I am long like a motherfucker AAPL.

Ready to Roll the Dice on AAPL?

Happy iPhone 5 day Gentlemen.

It's all about AAPL today... you might as well shut down your twitter stream and news feed unless you are attempting to trade AAPL today like some degenerate OTB guy at the Fitz.. Going rumour is even the Clam will be basing his POMO decision on today's product announcement...




So what to do today?

The two dominant investment strategies out there today are fundamental analysis and technical analysis.

Fundamental Analysis is a method to determine the intrinsic value of a stock by looking at financial data and facts directly related to the company per se, such as earnings, sales, balance sheets, cash flow, income statements, and dividends. There are more than enough websites and information on the Internets that go into all that shit; you don't need me to regurgitate all that for you. What we do know is AAPL has stupid as fuck amounts of money and makes stupid as fuck amounts of money. And, regardless of what you think of the iPhone 5, AAPL will make stupid as fuck amounts of money on it. There you have it.. fundamentals.

Technical Analysis is a method of predicting future stock price movements via the use of charts showing past price and volume performance, patterns, and trends. Most technical traders use a series of indicators, oscillators, and signals to determine if the market is pricing that particular stock in question correctly at the time; and because of technical analysis' primary belief that markets are efficient, everything you need to know about the stock is already reflected in its price and price action. So looking at AAPL technically, this is how its price reacts to product announcements in the past:

 

Good luck with that fuckface.

Here's what we do know... technical analysis is based on one sole premise: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. So looking back, the iPod, iPad, iPhone 3G, and iPhone 4S have ALL been some of the greatest disappointments in AAPL's history on the announcement day and in the following days of its announcement. Well, we all know how those all worked out for Apple and its investors.

There is a third, much less known, but far more useful investment strategy:  Psychological analysis. Basically it is the study how humans respond to certain market events. You probably heard the cliche, "It's not the news that counts, but how the market reacts to the news"... This is what I'm talking about here. What I like about it is human psychology never changes: investors always feel fear and panic when shit is knifing down, and investors are rich and fucking geniuses when shit goes up.

And when it comes to AAPL, it is one of the most emotional investments I've ever run into, with exception to real estate. Like real estate, I have found, you're either a rabid Apple fanboy sporting wood on every uptick or a lowlife basher vying to get into AAPL at lower price or got a serious hate on for AAPL just to justify your asshat decision on a Sony Xperia purchase...

An interesting post @Redman59 wrote yesterday, looking at how emotional Apple investors get when someone, anyone in fact, writes anything negative about Apple. I have noticed a lot of writers and traders will do so just to mock Apple fanboys. If you looked at the AAPL steam on Stocktwits, you would have noticed how @traderflorida shorted AAPL during an entire $100 run up on AAPL share price. Whether or not he made money, only he knows, but if you read his tweets and watch his video clips, I personally think he does this intentionally, like some insecure beta male schoolboy desperately seeking attention and fame would, just to fuck with AAPL longs knowing full well how rabidly bent out of shape they can get when you bash their precious AAPL.

Anyways, getting back on topic, what do we know on a psychological analysis standpoint? The iPhone 5 was the last product Steve Jobs had ever worked on before he passed away. And there are literally millions upon milions of people, fanboy or not, that want and will buy the iPhone 5 right the fuck now and NOT ONE of of these people has EVER seen it yet. Think about that for a moment.

Place your bets, addicts.

Good Morning and good luck in all your trades.  

Disclaimer: I am stupid as fuck long AAPL.

Time For a Change...

Timestamp this bitches: After EXACTLY 15 months of devouring luncheon meats and throwing back sawdust flavoured protein shakes with psychopathic diligence and surgical precision like a ravenous barbarian, I am officially OFF the 4-Hour Body diet.

Final Stats: net loss 25lbs; max loss 40lbs falling short of intended goal of pre-wedding weight by 10lbs. Bench press: 315lbs for 8 reps; 2-rep max 355lbs. 3700 Followers on Twitter.

I will be endeavoring on the new Arnold-endorsed Carbo Back Loading (CBL) starting today.

From what I understand this diet is NOT for everyone: It was designed for juice monkeys throwing iron around of 70% or more of your max for typically an hour.  So if you are a newb, still using your sister's weights, or a fat-faced yoga troll, or one of those long distance runner types looking for that oh so sexy anemic crack ho with AIDS look, back-loading isn't for you.  And yes, this also includes you laying on your couch eating Doritos Jabba the fucking Hut types too--stick with the $300 a pop B12 shots at Dr. Bernstein's...

  I'm still learning the intricate details of this new fandangled diet but the gist of it is as follows: it is similar to the 4-Hour body, being it another low carb diet, except after the first 10 days, you splurge on a gluttonous "back-loading" diet of glazed donuts and highly glycemic dogshit, and then repeat "back-loading" on workout days and low-carb on days you don't train as you did for the first 10 days...   

Be forewarned, during the start of any new diet, it is advised to keep small children inside as my temper is like a lit stick of dynamite and it has been known that my arms tend to involuntarily punch random people in the fucking face and push unsuspecting bystanders into oncoming traffic.

And if you insist on loitering here, being the perverted voyeur that you are, and were expecting perhaps a friendlier demeanor now, a more humble and calmer experience reading my blogs and Facebook updates, please take this with the utmost sincerity and honesty when I say to you, "fuck right off already."  

Getting to stocks, I picked up 8-ball sized portions of DDD and FIVE at the bell yesterday. I see FIVE, despite beating the Street on its Q2 EPS after the bell yesterday, has my testicles in the vise this morning... But it is offset with glorious gains in DDD and V...  

Good Morning.      

It's The End of the World as We Know It...Again...

You would certainly think that following the AAPL stream on Stocktwits this afternoon... well relax, and get the fuck off the ledge.


Here are your Fibbonacci Retracement numbers, taking in account today's highs of $683.29:

23.6% Retracement Value $655.98

38.2% Retracement Value $639.08

50.0% Retracement Value $625.43

61.8% Retracement Value $611.77

Giving the options guys their due respect, AAPL is not trading anything out of the ordinary today... expected trading range is $655-$680 looking at the open interest volumes...


   Good

Luck in all your trades...