A Letter to My 18 Millionaire Co-workers...

To my 18 coworkers or (ex-coworkers) that won the lottery:

Congrats again.

Now before all you fuckers get all cocky and shit, just because the gorilla gods happen to drop some coin on your laps to roll the dice with, here are some stats that you may want to take a gander at once the party winds down, the puke is cleaned up, the escorts go home, and fucking reality sets back in...

Based on several studies on Powerball, Mega Millions, and Lotto 6/49 winners in the last 10 years, 50%-70% of lottery winners wind up blowing the money within 5 years; the higher the amount won in one lump sum, the greater the chances.  Of that 70%,  HALF will be in serious financial problems or completely broke, worse off than they were before they won the lotto.  So that's 1 in 3 or 6 of you fuckers that will be bankrupt the next time I run into you...  And there is a 90% probability, your grandchildren will never see any of that money by the time they are born...

But not to worry, you're not alone...72% of people who recieve their millions from inheritance go through it in less than 5 years too;  78% of NFL players are divorced, unemployed, or bankrupt up to 2 years after leaving the game; 60% of NBA pros are broke within 3 years of leaving the game...

Feeling lucky? Meet Mr. Dick Guillotine..

No, it's not some fucking curse or conspiracy the government or those dick balls making all them chemtrails have bestowed upon you..  Sure, you've became a huge target for degenerate 2-bit hucksters coming out of the woodwork just to take advantage of you, but this has to do with your fucktarded decision-making.  And the reason why most of you fucking goldbrickers can't hang onto any cash in your bank accounts is because, well, you're a fucking goldbricker.

Winning a bunch of money doesn't build character. It reveals it and magnifies all the good and weak traits the winner lives by.

You see, before that lottery win, you were just a dickless vagabond sitting in a homeless man tent, eating beans and molasses from a tin can.  How much "character" do you really think you have in the first place?? 

So now, just overnight, you think you've become some kind of 'investment guru',  buying up all kinds of dogshit stocks and Chinese burritos, while making outlandish calls on the market and economy like Gordon fucking Gekko, sending your pets to boarding school, and enjoying a unchecked hedonistic and perverse lifestyle of gaudy decadence, while telling everyone else to fuck off. 

Of course you think that.  Everyone else does.

That's why the above stats are the way they are, fuckface.

Take a deep breath and take some advice from someone who's been banking coin the hard way (not necessarily me)... EDUCATION is the best investment you can buy.


With Confidence and Fidelity,

Heisenberg.

Current Portfolio Holdings...

Short term trading account:

Long term holdings....

Yeah. That's right, I'm fucking WINNING. Have a good weekend.

Eying Me Up Some 3D...

DDD bouncing off the 50 day on numerous occasions... looking to get in on it today if if falls back to it...

 


UPDATE: I never got any orders for DDD filled today as it bounced off S1 support and never looked back... I will be putting this puppy on my watchlist and hope we revisit the 50 day again in the next couple of days... Anything $39 or lower is a buy, and DDD should be back in the $44 territory soon after...

I'm 'Even Steven', See How Things Even Out For Me?

"Don't get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?"
- Jerry Seinfeld

In 2008, during the peak of the recent Alberta oil boom, oil was $140/bbl, the Cdn dollar was above parity with the USD, and home values were at all time highs as was my portfolio, 100% invested in my buy and hold forever asset mix of AAPL, potash and uranium-- no worries here- everyone needs food, energy and iPhones, right? "Fuck stops" was my motto; this shit "has to" go up forever...

I was working retardo hours, as was everyone else in this province, on what seemed like the never ending money train, printing $6500 per week after taxes; and my YTD gross earnings at lifetime fucking highs. We were all rich and fucking geniuses, doing lines of blow atop escorts. Life was good indeed.

Little did I know at the time, mostly because I was too fucking cocky, too fucking complacent, and too fucking busy to pay attention what was going on in the world around me; my portfolio was suddenly losing $10K a day and was quickly going to $00.00.  By the time I finally took notice, it was already too late and everything else was going to shit and more. The Cdn dollar was teasing $0.70US on a good day, oil went to $35/bbl, and we were all wondering if we were still going to have jobs the next day, every day we showed up to work... the universe's great balancing act...

Just last weekend, as I had mentioned in earlier posts, 18 co-workers had just won the lottery, splitting over $20 million among them. I stewed over it for a few days because it stings;  it is still the hottest topic at work and I am reminded every fucking day as I used to be part of that group a couple of years ago.

I left the group because we had already won a 5 of 6 number draw-potting us a whopping $630 each, only to give it all back in the following weeks buying more tickets. I figured fuck this fucking shit, "lightening never hits the same place twice" and at the time our numbers couldn't hit a dirty vag in a whorehouse nevermind a free ticket!  Plus being cheap as fuck doesn't help my cause either... I've got better things to do with my money!!

The thing is, there's probably at least a half more dozen peeps on suicide watch now, as I know there are guys out there who've donated much more and for longer into that lottery fund than I, and either got laid off or left this job to find greener pastures elsewhere.

For me, this hurts like a missed opportunity, like selling a stock way too fucking early... Well to add to my slap in the face with hot pizza slices, I blew out my 500 shares of LNKD and 3000 shares of KORS earlier this year as part of my 'sell in May and go away event', only to see both rip tits to all time highs yesterday and now looking at my YTD on my paycheque, well, fuck me over gently, it's at 10-year lows.

Seeing how everyone else get cocaine fever yesterday, with the ECB firing up the presses, as a trader I needed to get my fucking head outta my ass and stop moping over the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" and start looking at the "now and next".

Well, lo and behold! AAPL is at all time fucking highs! You know what that means? My portfolio is at all time fucking highs too! Timestamp that bitches! 

Funny how things even out. I'm 'Even Steven'. Time to join the cocaine party.

Envy in Its Finest Hour...

Who wants to talk stocks when there's 18 newly minted millionaires, that you know personally and work with, running around the jungle with erect penises, talking shit, doing lines of blow atop fine escorts...

Apologies as I've dwelled on this subject for the last few days as many of my colleagues have. Fuck me running sideways racing a gay alligator driving a minivan around the West Edmonton Mall parking lot, it's still the talk of the town here and not only because we got a pool at work going now who's gonna lose it all first..

Each winner, a salt of the Earth kind of guy, with his own unique story to tell, I'm sure, about their lifetime of hardships and their own dream finally coming true...

17 of 18 new millionaires...

Well.. get your own fucking blog, this shit is about me.


While I am happier than a pig in shit for each one of the 18 working stiffs who finally got their kick at the can and glad it's not the 80 year old oil executive single lotto winner with cancer and no heirs that you usually read about in the paper, I do admit there's envy here. I'm human, how can I not be envious? And really, a million is a not whole lot of money; If a milly was the magic number one at my age could retire on right the fuck now, I would've done it years ago; cripes, I doubt if I could even trade stocks full time with that size of float, even with my piker lifestyle.
 

Still, that's alot of "fuck you" money, cold hard liquid cash, to get, all in one ejaculation shot.  It took me years to accumulate that kind of wad in net worth,  at my turret on a daily basis, constantly on the lookout for the next GOOG, dodging munitions, Matrix-style, and putting up with all you dicksuckers and your sage advice on how AAPL is going to $00.00 because you so happen to feel the need to justify your big-screen Samsung phone purchase.

To this day, I spend countless hours studying gay charts and retarded trendlines, keeping up on all the bullshit news, putting my testicles on the counter while speed chopping carrots, anticipating at any second, some fucktard out of Europe may say something and make everything magically disappear; but, in the back of mind, I can't help thinking maybe I should've been buying lotto tickets all this time instead of juggling pinless hand grenades... 

The feeling is akin to training at the gym; sweating your bag off, throwing iron around for years and some skinny fuck walks in off the street, sticks a syringe in between his toes, and pounds out the same weight and number of reps as you just did on the bench press; except in this case there's 18 of them skinny fucks, and they're all in front of you at the water fountain...  I think what truly gets my goat is the fact that I gotta run around at work even more now to cover for these fuckers; laugh it up but if you had 18 guys at your workplace just get up and leave, even just to take the week off, tell me that doesn't disrupt the workplace at all.

Mind you, if that was me that won the lottery, and I didn't blow it all in one shot that same evening by putting it all on red and letting it ride like the degenerate OTB guy that I am, I'd probably be in the same boat... Actually I would still show up to work just to fuck with guys and see how long it would take them to fire my ass.  Why not? I'd be testing people to see what their "number" was, getting them to do all sorts of stupid dog tricks and shit... "OK would you take 5 grand to shit on that guy's desk...no? How 'bout 10? "  "25G's to anyone that will take that crane over there and put that guy's car on top of that 200' tower over there.." 

Sigh... back at 'er... at least AAPL is green this morning...

Happy Birthday Fucked Face... AAPL to $85...

I would like to express my gratitude to all those that wished me a "Happy Birthday" this past weekend with a polite 'fuck you very much'.

Please do not take offense to my 4-letter lack of benediction; you see, I'm just not that into birthdays, especially mine... And I stopped years ago acknowledging any well- intended wishes past 12 noon on this day... much like April Fool's Day...

Seriously, what are you really wishing for me here? "Congrats ya old fucker, you're even older now! HAHA!!"

And I'm supposed to celebrate the grandeur of being one year closer to my wheelchair next to an idle manhole with the ill-proportioned consumption of cake and extreme opulent gluttony?? Surely you jest. In all honesty, I think you just want cake and you're all happy I can still chew my own food and haven't shit my pants yet.

It was exactly 4 years ago, on my birthday in 2008, I partied hardy, ranted and raved, laughed and drank, not exactly in that order, but pretty fucking close. I celebrated via dancing on the heads of vagrants, kicking politicians down moving escalators, and mocking old fuckers buying homes they couldn't afford, while talking shit about outsized gains, making a small fortune buying AAPL and Potash stocks; and how I went from basement poor, plebbing along the streets of Wall and Bay, dressed in burlap and velcro to penthouse rich, with cocaine dinner party extravagance while punching random people in the face as I pleased.

Little did I know at the time, this birthday, my birthday, marked the beginning of the end, the worst case scenario had happened, capital losses, spawned from hell, were doled out judiciously, packaged with care, and hand delivered to my front door... AAPL went from $175 to $85 by month's end, POT from $179 to $77... By the official start of the Great Crash of 2008 on October 6th, when the DOW dropped off a cliff, losing 2400 pts in 8 days, I was already dead...

Death in pictures...

"Happy birthday, fucked face", my brokerage firm said to me as they pulled my 'VIP' status and preferred client rates away... "No soup for you".. indeed.

What's my point here?

Answer: Birthdays are for kids, silly rabbit. And suckers. Markets don't give two fucks about them and neither do you.


UPDATE: To make my birthday that much more extra special this year, I have been informed a group of guys of which I work with, have just won $20 million dollars in the lottery.  I quit buying weekly lottery tickets with this group a year and a half ago... FML.

My Kid is Destined To Manage Money...

"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do."
-Steve Jobs

Indeed, the last bastion of original thought belongs to small children and psychopaths. I had no idea until recently how fine that line was between them...

 I found a comicbook my 9 year old drew a couple of years ago...

 

In his own words he outlined the plot to me: Apparently there are two worlds: Ninja World and Man- Death World.. the battles happen in Man-Death World and all the cool stuff is located in Ninja World. Notice all the 'red' accents depicting battles and death...and strangely enough a teleporter in the background..

Aaah yes... the brilliant mind of a 7-year old! As you can see my son is destined to manage money.  Little did I know at the time he is becoming quite the sage in predicting daily stock market action in his pictures of death and battles...
Notice how his comicbook here looks awfully familiar to the Fly's iBC patented "cock and balls" formation in 2011??

 

It's all about Bernanke this morning.... For the love of small dogs with gay haircuts jumping thru flaming hoops, can you believe there are more tweets about Bernanke on Stocktwits right now than $AAPL!!

There are only three possible outcomes of all this hoopla... cocaine in rapidly spinning ceiling fans, death by bunga bunga, and Costanza dick chop action... trade accordingly addicts...  


Here are your AAPL stuff you may want to look at today.. Max Pain: looking for a 665 pin today...



Open interest: I would expect AAPL to trade near the lower end of the 650-670 strikes today despite what you are seeing in pre-market trading right now... This of course may change depending any fucktarded news of POMO or Armageddon out of Jackson's Hole this morning...

 


Good luck in all your trades...


UPDATE: "Apparently it doesn't matter: Stocks are trading up with or without QE. Life is one giant Costanza trade." -The Fly.

AAPL trading today accordingly to options manipulation like a well oiled machine... UP on Mondays/ Tuesdays (peak share pricing for the week); DOWN Thursday/ Friday (lows hitting bottom Friday morning)... still looking to pin the $665 pin as weeklies expire today... then off to the races into the iPhone 5 announcement...

If You Insist... AAPL

It's amusing watching all you fucktards talking shit while playing pinless hand grenade hot potato with flaccid dicks today.

But if you insist on rammiing the entire fucking crack pipe down your throat before Jackson's Hole does you that favour but thru the other side... or if you can't help yourself because you are indeed a vagrant OCD OTB guy at Binion's hopped up on the sauce, trying to get an edge on AAPL , here's what you may want to look at:

Your Fibonacci Retracement Values:

23.6% Retracement Value $654.13

38.2% Retracement Value $637.59

50.0% Retracement Value $624.21

61.8% Retracement Value $610.84

If the SPX decides to give us the fuck you, we're all dead look, peeps are predicting on twitter, AAPL tends to respond well bouncing off the 50% retracement levels, so $624.21... Plus if you're looking to get long and chase this shit up on a bounce, today's action only sees AAPL still working off some overbought conditions from its recent tit rip.

Just remember if you are thinking of staying short, iPhone 5 announcement is due Sept. 12th and here's a look at what AAPL does before its product announcements..

 

 

Long or short, an important rule I keep is ya gotta pay your due respect to them degenerate options guys... So, looking at the Max Pain OI chart, it looks like AAPL is not trading anything out of the odrdinary today in terms of options manipulation... share price tends to move away rom the highest open interest so I'd expect AAPL to float nicely between the $660 and $680 peaks.

Good luck in all your trades....

Let Me Clarify a Few Things...

This morning I am merely a voyeur watching markets with animalistic perversion and a material witness to all you dicksuckers talking shit over the Internets.  I await delivery of cocaine or Armafuckingeddon upon Jackson's Hole, hedged with retardo longs in AAPL, a half position of V and VHC longs and a few fucktarded Canadian energy shares paying me a pikerish monthly dividend.

So to kill some time, I'd like to clarify a few things this morning regarding my last post.  Upon celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary yesterday with the usual pomp and circumcision, my wife pointed out to me my 'math' was a tad "skewed" and we wouldn't want any of you fuckers reading my posts to think my imagination has run amok into the regions of the far-fetched or anything. So I post the following as an addendum:

$7 for a new outfit from the Old Navy for the
1 kid that fell into the West Edmonton Mall water fountain.
32 times, my youngest has asked for a snack in the last hour and
30 minutes since he finished his last meal and left half of it on his plate
1 pound of bacon is the recommended dosage required for full healing effect.
18 different Costcos we visited during our last
2 week road trip vacation
83 times I threatened to stop the van and they were gonna walk home if they don't shut the fuck up back there between Spokane and the California border....
5 more days until the rugrats go back to school!!

Now there were a few questions and comments I received yesterday as most readers are probably wondering, like how the fuck did they flip an entire shopping cart? Ambulances and child services?

Not that I have to justisfy to any of you fuckfaces about our "creative parenting" methods, but I just wanted to clarify a few things before we get another surprise visit from child services. 

Firstly I'd like to say, fuck you.  I'll have you know we're not like you assholes talking shit online and posting drivel on Facebook, looking for pity 'Likes' from all your peers; shit such as, how much you'll be "missing the company of your darling kids when they go back to school". You see, we happen to know Mr. XBOX is their real parents and bribing your kid with a shopping spree at Justice or A&F is the usual form of discipline in your household.  How dare you judge us?




Creativity run amok...


I, like any parent, want my kids to run wild and their creativity to flow freely for as long as they can,  protecting them from the harsh reality that they will eventually face when they grow older... Who doesn't?

I'd love to tell you my kids are the sweetest of angels with icing and unicorns on top, but they're not. My kids, I swear on your two eyes, they have been spawned from the very loins of Beelzebub, and are whacked out of their fucking minds, head smash against the wall psychopathic lunatical coke-addled baby monkeys jacked on a consistent diet of sugar and Kraft dinner with hot dog weiners. I’m seriously tempted to have built-in marijuana-laced ritalin IV machines installed in each of their bedrooms, but I am told by some 'experts' this is common and actually healthy among families that have 3 boys. I for one would like to see their studies first hand;  when you are told by the kid’s playschool teacher that he is learning great new words such as “confiscate”, it has got me wondering…




I have to admit my ideas on parenting and the kind of parents, we want to be is a far cry from what I used to think before we had kids. In the beginning, we wanted to do everything perfectly for our child; now with 3 boys, things will tend to get a wee bit hectic in our home-- it's all about getting done what keeps us out of jail... you know,  shit like feeding them, paying for heating bills, not hurting them, an so on...

Don't get me wrong or anything, I happen to like my kids, so along with those above mentioned basic necessities, we tend to throw in a few extra perks such as love, interest, and doing shit with them once in a while...

As far as flipping the shopping cart upside-down, believe me when I tell you this, my son at that age didn't 'think' he was Spiderman, he 'knew' he was Spiderman.  And bad things tend to happen when your kid is indeed Spiderman bored out of his fucking mind, sitting in the child seat of a shopping cart while you just so happen to turn away for a split second to put items from your cart onto the conveyor belt... no harm done. The entire cart flipped over top of him and he ended up in the basket part, penned up like a stuck pig...




Good Morning and trade 'em well...

Fourteen Years and Counting...

"For better or for worse." Those words sounds pretty romantic don't they? Almost magical, on our wedding day.  Little did I know just how real they would become over the course of our marriage.

Doing some of the math:

20 years together 

14 years of marriage 

1 mortgage. 

18 records of employment that year alone and 

3 years of tax receipts to qualify for said mortgage. 

7 years to pay off that mortgage. 

3 miscreants committed to violence every time they are within 

6 feet of each other. 

1 broken leg, broken in 

3 different places. Not mine. Changed my life in EVERY way. 

1 emergency trip in an ambulance to discover 

1 peanut allergy, the hard way.  

1 black eye leading to 

2 policemen at the door and 

1 child services visit and 

0 apologies for the bogus accusation.  Fuckers.

1 shopping cart flipping upside-down at the WalMart, with the 

2-year old in it. 

1 kid lost at the flea market for a 

10 scary seconds. 

1 more kid lost at a downtown parade for the 

10 scariest minutes of our lives. 

5875 km or 

3619.5 miles driving like a bat out of hell to NorCal & back. 

$790.00 CDN in gas to do it. Not bad at all. 

5 peeps still in the van, 

0 body bags used on this trip. 

And here we are. Older than at the beginning, a little less hair and a few extra pounds. Wiser and much more tainted from battle scars and open flesh wounds. A lot more sleep deprived, a bit less spontaneous, but truly stronger than ever.

What's the secret, we're often asked...

Well, I'm gonna tell you.

It's not IF, but WHEN you fuck up, go eat.  In my house, there are only 2 reasons in which either one of us will get angry.  Either I'm acting like a fucking jackass, or someone is a little hungry and I'm acting like a fucking jackass.  Go eat. Preferably bacon or something with bacon in it or just bacon.  Works every time. And don't ever forget the coffee.  She loves coffee.  I never touch the stuff.

On August 29, 1998,  I was blessed to have had the opportunity to sucker another human being into thinking I was non-psychotic enough to marry me and all my multiple online personalities.  Fuck, I even bet half of all my shit she wouldn't hate me in the next 25 years.  But then again, I also bet $20K Facebook shares would also trade up after the IPO, so I'm assuming waking up next to the horse's head one day isn't out of the question yet.

Over the years, we have been through immense highs and soul-crushing lows and a whole lot of bacon. And through it all, we are still here.  Still standing.  Still laughing.  Still eating bacon.


And still in love.

Happy Anniversary, hunny.